....how i'm feeling at this very moment.
it is a very familiar blatanly confused feeling. its a mixture of hurt/uncertainty/anger/overwhelmed/fucked up attitude that leads me 2 go down the wrong path. whether it be comfort somewhere else, a cut here, a sip there, or a puff everywhere.
this just fucking sucks
i'm not 1 to claim 2 do everything right in the least bit but all i ask is for a fair exchange or just ANYTHING something more than this feeling right now.
holding back tears at work is not the biz.
plotting on where 2 get a blade from and this time find discreet cutting spots is not the biz.
i've actually come a long way from that faithful afternoon watchin Kanye's Storytellers. and i promised myself never again....well they do say never say never.
i'm not a nagger or someone that likes drama, trust me i hold in alot more stuff then people give me credit for. but quite frankly i can only hold soo much in and its going 2 get to the point where i'm just about 2 explode and tell EVERYONE HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT THEM GOOD BAD OR INDIFFERENT.
the one person i thought i could share my feelings, the one i fought to get to this point with, has not only made me feel bad for my feelings, but basically used my past fuck ups and mishaps has his ammo on why i shouldnt QUESTION SHIT or feel ANY SORT OF WAY except for happy about this nigga. BE FAIR. you're shit stinks too and u have the power to hurt just as well as i do. but i guess its all MY FAULT ANYWAY. now at 1st i figured i was overreacting to the shitty day i had been already having but the person that is suppose 2 brighten my day did a bang up job of making it even shittier.
so here's my thoughts again period.
and no i;m not going 2 do what everyone thinks i'm going 2 do.
i'm jus going to bottle this shit up in another fucking blog entry and go about my day cuz at the end of the day, i'm past the obvious and despite what YOU think, i see WHAT YOU'RE doing, but what u dont see is what YOU'RE NOT doing.
but at the end of the night again folks i am the bad guy, forever. and thats fine, i shall wear my title along with my broken attitude and emo-esque feelings.
and that my friends is what really grinds my gears
What REALLY Grinds My Gear.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Posted by Renegade at 12:08 AM
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1 comments:
honestly i really do love you desiree i think you want to know that i do so bad that when you dont hear from me or i dont call you u start to wonder if what your doing is not being notice. it is baby i see that we are on the up and up. i was just told tonight by matt that what we got is great and its that its great that we are still together. it made me think about all the effort you been puttin and i need to pay all more attention to it cause this is what ive been waiting for.
i really dont think about what happen in the pass as much but when you say i am not putting in the effort that gets to me. i said things and did things i thought i never do. it took a long time to get where i am at with us. i had to see things i didnt want to see, do things i never thought i do, talk to niggaz i thought i never have to have words with and know things i should never know. but one thing i do know is if i was going to continue in this relationship, i was not going to act like i was just waiting around for you to do me wrong again or trying to watch my words so you wouldnt have to tell me a lie.
i decided i was going to go about this different. we have gotten alot closer in my eyes desiree. In to be totally honest it feels good to know you care this much. it is has brought me back. i did want you see how much damage the shit and the pass had on me and also this relationship. so i guess i just need to get out of my feeling for good n know that its just me and you. nobody else. being together in really feelin like we going somewhere is all i want. i want i place where me and you can rest our heads and we only anwser to each other and God. we need to keep what we have good and strong. alot of growning up has happen over the last couple years. we both know more about each other than we did before. you are the one for me and i am the one for you. i know that and i believe that. doing a better job of showing that is what i have to work on. dont stop lovin me desiree cause i have not and will not stop lovin you,
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